liver failure, lung cancer, HIV, OD, suicide. We think we're exempt, we think: I know how to handle it, we think: I have plenty of time to change my ways. I'll get to that later. Nothing bad happened last time. Then our loved ones are sitting there stunned, wondering; "what the fuck happened?" our vices are our self-destruction, legal or otherwise, none are exempt. I will carry that harsh truth w/ me always.

i came across this in a really old email:

Elude to where your deepest desires,
Most lucide illusions will not be forsaken,
Euphoria is the taste that soils your soul
It is the representaton that feeds the spirit,
Moves the motion of mind &
Purifies the poisons in which posses us.

The best part about ignoring the Bird is, well... you can ignore it...

---

So this is really a reminder blog for myself. Just a reminder that when I get the thoughts of how much I think a drink a day would benefit my health, its still a big fat fucking lie no matter how I look at it.

http://health.yahoo.com/news/healthday/drinkingyourwaytohealthperhapsnot.html

Here are a couple of quotes from the article and its reference article from Harvard:

"Drinking any alcohol at all is known to increase your risk for contracting a number of types of cancer"
"the antioxidant found in red wine that's believed to provide most of the drink's health benefits -- from drinking grape juice just as well as from drinking wine"
"the risks of drinking outweigh the benefits"

And lastly, I dont need Harvard to tell me I am extremely allergic to it. While I may get away with a drink or two at first, the gates of hell would soon be calling me once again. Not a fun place...

So lately I havent been feeling in touch with recovery. Shocking since I havent been to any meetings in a while, huh?. My circle of recovery friends seems to have drifted away as well. It kinda sucks because I really try to keep the unity and friendships going, but its just not meeting my expectations. Addicts are so incredibly self centered. I'm not excluding myself from that remark becasue I know I can be at times, but I really try to keep friendships going and the effort I seem to put out is not worth the payback. Whether its because the other addicts in my life are not good at people skills, too new to recovery to know any better, jsut plain self centered, or sumthin else, I dont know. All I know is I get more satisfaction from my relationships and friendships with normal people. Thats scarey. And dangerous. They say expectations are resentments waiting to happen, but in the real world, you need to be able to place expectations on people, especially friendships. Remember that self sufficiency is a lie! I dont want to say I've gone beyond the simplicity of recover or die, but I've done alot of growing up and am able to realize who has the people skills neccesary to have a healthy relationship, or who at least wants to put in the effort to have one with me...

Fortunately, I'm staying grounded with (sometimes infrequent) contact with my sponsor and the simpe fact I am still very grateful for Narcotics Anonymous for saving my life. After talking with my sponsor this evening, its pretty obvious what I need to do. Get back to meetings, get involved and gain some new friendships with other recovering addicts. I love talking with him. He has a way of putting fresh hope into my outlook on life, no matter how simple the solution. I suppose thats why hes my sponsor. So while his suggestions are simple, they definitely are not easy! But this is a long time coming. Something I should have started doing when I first moved out here...